Why are we always waiting for something? Waiting for exams to be over, waiting for summer, waiting for Friday and when what you’re waiting for finally comes, we don’t even appreciate what we have been waiting for. Instead, we just wait for something else.
I think its because Life is really all about goals. The goal was to finish our exams, the goal was to make it to summer, make it to Friday. We are never waiting for things, Instead we are setting goals for ourselves.
I was reading through some emails, which led to other emails, which led me to reading emails she sent me a while ago. And like… I miss everything we used to have. I miss her smile, I miss her voice, I miss how she would jump in my arms and cling to me. I miss almost everything about her.
I know im being melodramatic, it just seems that this pain isnt going away. Like it wont ever go away. I do have days where im good, where life isnt so bleak. But inevitably I end up back here.
And the worst part about all of this is, I dont know if Im capable of even having another relationship at this point. If she came back, wed keep breaking up if for no other reason then because I dont know that I could ever be secure in a relationship with her again. And part of me is scared to try again, what if this happens again? What if someone else hurts me like this again? I mean fuck, ive been through hell and back my entire life, why would it start changing now.
For a while I thought maybe, just maybe Lindsey was my… Can I say reward? For all the shit I had gone through, but now its like shes just part of it.
Maybe this sounds pathetic, I dont know. All I know is the only thing that finally knowing true happiness has done for me, is knowing true pain..
I am actually going to stop putting off calling IUPUI (ok I understand that statement is ironic. But its like 1:35 am, I dont think they would answer right now) and find out about transferring.
Ok, so, when I went to get my permit <again> on the 1st of January, I weighed too much .-. I weighed like 290-299ish.
Heres the kicker, I just weighed myself last night… Im at 247 now .-. holy fuck.
Am proud of myself ^^